Marriage

Recently I came across a question from an American born & raised Shi'a Muslim girl...she complained to me that Islam/Shi'a doesn't give the right to love & select the life partner (husband or wife). Islam/Shi'a doesn't allow love between a non-Mahram male & non-Mahram female...!

So I want to know that is that true...? Love doesn't necessarily means meeting in private or having any illicit relation...Although Islam gives complete freedom in choosing the life partner one likes...then how it can be possible to choose someone you've never seen before…?

I also heard that some prophet (I think Hazrat-e Dawood A.S.) had fallen in love with a woman...and what about Hazrat-e Yusuf & Zuleykha...?

So does a pure love free from private meetings is acceptable...? Or that is only acceptable (God forbid) in the cases of prophets...?

Falling in love doesn't make you a bad Muslim, but yes, meeting in private or any having any illicit relations is definitely not allowed.

Please give me complete information regarding that matter with authentic references.

Answer

You raised a number of points in your email, to which I shall try to give appropriate answers, InSha'Allah.

As for the matter of selecting one's life partner according to Islamic teachings, one can see his/her partner before marriage, but that is at a stage when both parties do have the intention of marriage.

As far as finding out about one's future partner, usually parents and/or other family members could prove very helpful in the long run. They may be involved in the process to ensure acquaintance by both parties, and to bring about clarification about each other on both sides. Their rational search and enquiry in the matter would help spot many causes, if any, of concern to each party. Whereas an emotional approach towards such a matter could momentarily blind the parties involved. Therefore Islam is not against getting to know about one's future-partner, but it is in favour of selecting one's partner freely, and without falling into any Haraam. One may see someone and feel love for him/her, and that may be Halaal in itself, but to engage in acts that would help promote this love in a Haraam way is obviously Haraam. For example to write romantic letters and send photographs to each other are Haraam on their own.

The statement in your email that "Islam/ Shi'a does not allow love between non-Mahram male and female . . . !" prompts a question that how did that love come about???

Did it come about through the mixing of the non-Mahram male and female, and their frequent meetings? If that is the case, then this is certainly Haraam in itself.

As for Prophet Dawood falling in love . . . . This is one of many lies, which are written in the Old Testament to defile God and His prophets!!! You would also find that prophet Dawood also arranged for the murder of the woman's husband . . . . Prophet Lot committed incest with both of his daughters . . . . and more such incidents. These are all false and lies and decent ordinary individuals do not commit such vile acts let alone Messengers of Allah. Therefore if you need quote something it is important to quote them from reliable sources.

As for Yusuf and Zuleykha, prophet Yusuf did not fall for her but she did for him, and prophet Yusuf refused her advances and ran away from her and tried to escape from the room they were in, when she managed to grip his shirt, which was torn as he was moving away from her. In fact prophet Yusuf prayed to Allah that he would rather to jail than to engage in any such haram conduct, to which Allah answered his prayers. The authorities concerned decided to send him to jail even though all the evidence pointed to his innocence, and therefore he ended up in jail for many years!

You have answered yourself in your email that wanting to love or being loved is God given, but just like with everything else, which is God given we must always be careful not to be fooled by the Shaytan, and fall in Haram through these God given bounties. It is normal that one may find him/herself to love to dislike someone, but this does not mean that one may ensue such feelings with measure, which are haram. For example one may find himself to dislike his father, for whatever reason. This does not mean that Islam allows the individual to mistreat his father or be disrespectful to him. One must resist his feelings in this respect and act according to the teaching of Islam. Similarly one may find him/herself to love another individual, this is accepted, but this does not mean that one can pursue his/her feelings towards the other person in a haram way.

Please also have a look at the query about "meeting of men and women in public" in this section.

There has been a problem that has been around for a while. Lately it has caused myself and a lot of other peoples much trouble and grief.

People from cultures other than our own do not allow their daughters to marry those who come from a different ethnic and cultural background even though both are Muslim. What is the ruling regarding such a practice? For example the Arab parents of their daughter will not allow her to marry another Muslim because he is not an Arab.

Is not such a practice wrong according to our Shari'ah? We were of the view that Islam did not permit such discrimination between Muslims regardless of their ethnicity and culture.

Answer

Practices such as those outlined in your email, and discrimination on grounds of ethnic backgrounds have no place anywhere in Islamic teachings and Islam does not condone such practices whether in the case of marriage or any other aspect of life.

The criteria in marriage, as specified by Rasulollah, peace be upon him, are adherence to Islam and good manners.

On the other hand, when two candidates, say of equal qualities of faith and manners, approach the family, the parents may make a judgement, or on grounds of freedom of choice, may prefer one candidate to another. In this case this may not be called discrimination. But at the end of the day, it should be born in mind that the final decision is that of the girl, if the girl does not choose to marry someone her parents wish her to, then she is free to do so and no one can force her to do anything against her wishes.

Question

I have met a girl and I would like to marry her, but my parents do not agree to the marriage, and want me to marry someone else from our lot. Whose decision is it to make?

Answer

On the question of marriage, a Muslim man may marry any other Muslim woman or a woman from the Ahl-ul-Kitab (Jews or Christians) but he may not marry a Kaffir woman.

When a man and a woman want to marry, the restriction is that they must both agree to the marriage. If one of them does not agree to the marriage, then their marriage is void.

In the case of marriage with a virgin girl, the permission of the father or the grandfather of the girl is also required as well as her agreement to the marriage.

In your case, if you want to marry someone but your family does not wish you to, try to obtain your parents agreement for the marriage. You need their blessings for your marriage, and also in the long term, you need their support and you want to establish a good relationship between you and them as well as your in-laws. So it is in your best interest to obtain your parents agreement but at the end of the day the decision is yours and yours only.

Question

What are the restrictions of sex in Islam?

As for sex and relationship in Islam, some of the restrictions which should be adhered to are:

For the temporary (or permanent) marriage with a virgin girl from the Ahl-ul-Kitaab, is the permission of the father or the guardian required for the marriage?

Answer

The permission of the father or the guardian of the girl (virgin) from the Ahl-ul-Kitaab is not a precondition to marriage if in their religion or in their common way of life ('Urf) e.g. by law, it is not required for the girl to have her father/guardian's permission for marriage.

I met a girl through the net, and now we have met in real life and we love each other and wish to go further in the relationship. Because I can't afford to get married, I have proposed the idea of temporary marriage. (Mut'a)

I'm 18 and, she is also 18, and a virgin. The kind of Mut'a I wish to do is the non-sexual type, just so we can get to know each other without any haram caused.

Her parents don't know of it yet, and she does not wish to approach them about it. She usually takes care of herself, money wise, and is mostly independent.

Answer

To perform Mut'a with a virgin girl you must seek the permission of the girl's father or guardian – as this is a prerequisite – even if you do not intend to engage in sex. If the father of the girl is dead, then you must seek the permission of the girl's grandfather, or brother.

You must refrain from performing Mut'a with a virgin girl without the permission of the girl's father/guardian.

I want to make Contract (of Mut'a) with a 22 years old virgin (girl). And I have read that Mut'a is not permissible with a Virgin girl, without the consent of her father. Now my question is that:

Answer

You must refrain from performing Mut'a with a virgin girl without the permission of the girl's father/guardian.

Some say that Mut'a should be used as a very last resort, and some say otherwise.

You hear people say "I can't get married now, I have to finish my studies...I will do Mut'a" is that correct? Is that a valid excuse or is it invented?

I would like to know "when is it ok to use Mut'a and who is it for, what is the basis of Mut'a?"

As I have heard some hadith about Imam al-Baqir (AS), (if I am correct) saying to one of his companions "Mut'a is not for you"

Answer

Like any other halal issue, Mut'a is Halal and a man is permitted to marry Mut'a, and under certain circumstances it may even prove obligatory upon the individual, i.e. when he cannot marry permenantly and to avoid committing a haram act.

The Mut'a marriage is not meant as a substitute for permanent marriage, so one should attempt to marry permanently and form a family etc. as soon as possible. However if under certain circumstances permanent marriage is not feasible, one may then consider the option of Mut'a if needed. Needless to say, it does not mean a married man cannot marry Mut'a. There may be circumstances when a married man may be obliged to do Mut'a, for example being away from his wife for sometime.

As for the speech of the Imam (AS) to one of his followers, in fact the imam (AS) is making the first point above. The other individual was a married man, and the imam is telling him that you have a wife and therefore you do not need to do Mut'a. That is not to say that Mut'a is haram for a married man, but perhaps there was something peculiar about the circumstances of that man. So the background in that particular case must be taken into account.

Question: Some details about Mut'a

1. If a man and a woman agree on a period of marriage and a certain item for mahr, is the Mut'a valid if the amount of that item isn't specified.

2. If a man doesn't know whether a woman is from the Ahlul-Kitab, is it permissible for him to temporarily marry her without asking, since the possibility is that she is either Christian or Jewish?

3. If the woman can't recite the marriage formula, will the Mut'a be valid if the man recites "zawajtuka nafsi..." for her with her permission?

4. If a Jew is a virgin, is it mandatory to ask permission from her guardian before temporarily marrying her, considering that she is old enough to make her own decisions and she would otherwise fornicate with someone else?

Answer

1. The amount of the Mahr MUST be specified.

2. If you are in amongst a community that predominantly Ahl-ul-Kitab, then you do not have to ask her about her religion. However if a noticeable portion of the community is not Ahl-ul-Kitab then you have to ask her about her religion.

3. The man may act as the woman's representative and recite the marriage formula on her part.

4. This depends on the norm and the common law of the land, i.e. The permission of the father or the guardian of the girl (virgin) from the Ahl-ul-Kitaab is not a precondition to marriage if in their religion or in their common way of life ('Urf) e.g. by law, it is not required for the girl to have her father/guardian's permission for marriage.

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Question: beating of wife

Is the beating of one's wife halal or haram in Islam?

If halal, under what conditions and in what fashion?

Answer

Bismillah al-Rahmaan al-Raheem

As-Salaam Alaycom wa Rahmatollah wa Barakaatoh

The 'beating' that is referred to in the holy Qur'an is a 'pretend' beating, that is to say when they are being ‘disobedient' one should implement the various stages of sanctions as outlined in the holy Qur'an {4:34} such as advising them, 'boycotting' them and as a last resort one may resort to pretend to beat them. This means that this should not hurt her physically, and should not leave any mark on her body. The effect should be sentimental rather than physical. The whole point of this is to show her that her husband is not pleased with her conduct. Some of the tafseer say that this may be done with for example Sewak - a three inch long natural brush used for teeth cleaning.